Mountains and Islands

The vog was brutal up at the winery today. I've been home for nearly an hour and still I can feel the sulfur coating my throat. Nasty! I'm pretty sure it was the reason business was relatively slow throughout the afternoon. We never got the late day rush that we usually endure. Cary, the winery's number cruncher, occasionally buys us food. Today, we were treated to breakfast burritos from the golf course just up the road. Their usually decent; loaded with eggs, cheese and Portuguese sausage. Not so good for arterial health, but tasty. They also come accompanied by some garlic laden salsa that, while delicious, is not so great for the breath of folks working in close contact with the public. Today, there was not only garlic, but FIRE. The salsa was so hot, it was painful. My poor coworker, Mandy, was the first to eat her burrito. She did what we all usually do. She slathered on the salsa. Yowza! Thankfully, because of Mandy's sacrifice, I was able to enjoy m...

I love the smell of sulfur dioxide in the morning. Shoots, cuz . Da kine vog get plenny pilau . Stinky! Actually, it doesn't smell so bad as it tastes. Once you get it in your mouth, it seems to last all day even after the vog lifts. The gift that keeps on giving! The vog was so bad today that the Park Service closed the crater rim drive inside the park due to volumes of sulfur four times the amount deemed "safe" to breath. Today, I became a brochure photographer. By mid afternoon, the vog lifted and the sunshine was beautiful. So I shot some photos of wine bottles provocatively posed (OK they were really just propped up) on a giant piece of drift wood on the winery grounds. They were complimented by flowers at their bases. The images came out pretty good (or is that pretty well?) if I don't say so myself. I still wouldn't go so far as to characterize myself as a real photographer . I'm just someone who sometimes gets lucky with a shot. And...

Yes, I know I've been a slacker. That's what happens to people in the tropics. The rainforest sucks the ambition right out of you. It's looking sunny outside this morning. The tradewinds have died, however, so we may be in for some heavy vog this weekend. Apparently, Pele is in need of some industrial strength breath mints these days. Maybe those folks at Altoids could dump a 747 load of some seriously strong cinnamons onto the latest eruption point to squelch her sulfur dioxide-induced halitosis. No wonder her advances were always rebuffed and she was forced to turn men into stone or trees or whatevahs. That girl has some worrisome anger management issues, not to mention her brutally bad breath. (Now watch. She'll get pissy and take out my house. Some goddesses just can't take a joke.) Business at the winery has picked up a bit. Thank goodness for those crazy Canooks! They're spending loonies and toonies like their going outa style. (Loonies and too...

Ron swore he saw several pigs in the yard today. He said they were riding in an ark. Or maybe it was a canoe. I went for a walk with the poochies despite the rain. Actually, I did it to spite the rain. Like the rain cares. No need to give the dogs a bath this month. They got so soaked, they're now squeaky clean after a good drenching and a towel dry. Not all wet dog smell is created equal. Each of mine has his or her own unique odor when dry. Each smells unique when wet, too. Fortunately for me, none of them are particularly funky. They all smell pretty good, wet or dry. Still, there's a bit of a damp-dog aura in the air right now. We'll fire up the wood stove in a little while, when it gets a little cooler, to add some smoldering guava smoke to the aroma mix. Then we'll cook dinner. It'll be a cacophony not of sound, but of smells. There is no mist these days. No light drizzle. No spritzing. Just giant drops falling out of the sky in such great volume an...

Today Ron and I are having fun with a new adjective we've added to our vocabulary. It's not really a new adjective. It's just new to us. What is it, you ask? Why, it's dick wad ! Here's how we've used it today: Don't be such a dick wad. Did you hear that guy on T.V. just a minute ago? What a dick wad. That sounds like the dick wad version of that song. With each use, we get a nice, hearty laugh. These are the types of things we do to amuse ourselves in the rain. We also got a good laugh at the civil defense messages on the radio today. The man who delivers those has a slight, local-style Elmer Fudd thing going, so the announcements sound something like this: Hawaii County Civil Defense has issued a fwash fwood warning to da fowwowing communities twoo-out east Hawaii..... incwuding Gwenwood..... pwease, do not twy to dwive twough aweas of wising water. Turn awoun', don't dwown... Dis has been a message fwom your Hawaii County Civil Defense.... OK, ...

Bugs. Winter gives many people on the mainland a break from them. We have various bug seasons throughout the year here in the rainforest, but we never get a total reprieve. There is gnat season in the fall which corresponds to the waiwi guava trees bearing fruit. We have beetles, which swarm for several days following the gnats, then suddenly disappear. We always have spiders to take advantage of the gnats and the beetles. Then, there are the mutant mosquitoes; huge yet incredibly fragile buggahs that rarely bite. If you blow on them hard or spray them with a spritz of water, they whither and break apart. Mosquitoes on other parts of the island can be voracious. Be sure to carry your Deep Woods Off when you head into Waipio Valley, Lava Tree State Park or the Hawaii Tropical Botanical Gardens. If you're not protected, they'll eat you alive. By contrast, our mosquitoes don't do much of anything. Their primary proclivity is to venture into the house to die. I suc...

Today was a great day to be a bird watcher in Volcano. On my way to work, I spotted this i'o , or Hawaiian hawk, sitting on a wire less than a block from the winery. I got out of my truck and walked right under him. He looked at me, then refocused his attention on the grass at the road's edge. I hoped he was looking for a mongoose, although he seems a little small to tackle such feisty prey. The i'o looks a little smaller than a kestrel, a smidge larger than a magpie. It's a very small hawk, but impressive and beautiful none-the-less. The i'o is designated as an endangered species. So is the nene , or Hawaiian goose. I got an even better shot of this happy couple today. Nene mate for life. The pair has been hanging out around the vineyard lately . Today, they spent the afternoon right out front. I was able to walk right up to them. I think they even posed for me. Say cheeeeeese. Aren't they cool? Yesterday was Minnesota day. Today was Canada day. In fact, eve...

Today I put the finishing touches on my concept for a newspaper ad for the winery and sent it off to the ad dude at the paper for tweaking. It's kinda cute if I don't say so myself. It shows two fish, the state fish to be exact, facing each other as though they're going to kiss. One has a bubble over his head and says, "You're my humu-humu honey." (The state fish is called the humuhumunukunukuapua'a.) The other fish says, "Ah, you're making me blush." Then the text reads, "Macadamia Nut Honey and Volcano Blush . Just two of the award winning wines made here on the Big Island by Volcano Winery..... yadda yadda yadda. Cute huh? It's fun to be doing something a little different. You can only give the speel (or is that shpeel?) to visitors so many times without losing just a tad of your enthusiasm. Next week I hope to begin peddling the winery's wares to restaurants around the island. That will require the speel (shpeel) too, but i...

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. Martin Luther King, Jr. TV has become an even greater wasteland than usual these days, thanks to the writers' strike. Thank God for Kyle XY! It's back! Never mind that Kyle has been sporting a pretty dark 5 o'clock shadow lately, despite the fact that he's supposed to be a high school student. So what? He's Kyle, gunfunnit, the coolest kid without a belly button to ever grace the living room screens of America. Kyle rocks. The new shoes are spectacular. I felt like I was running on clouds today, plunking out four miles on the treadmill and feeling a noticeable coosh as my heals struck the conveyor. Once again, I had the gym to myself. I find it hard not to start singing along to the iPod when I'm alone. I chose to exercise some self restraint, however, lest some hapless sucker wander into the place and be subjected to my crooning. It would, however, give me a strong chance of quickl...

"Hey, I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything's right...." Paolo Nutini - Lyrics from "New Shoes." The other day, as I lumbered along the belt of the treadmill with my iPod cranked for musical inspiration, it occurred to me that I was probably the only person in the gym who was listening to Alison Krauss through my earbuds . (Never mind the fact that I was the only person in the gym just then.) I also thought it likely that I was the only person on the whole island listening to Alison. Maybe I was the only person in all of Hawaii. That same experience happened to me today. This time, the artist was Roger Miller. Hey, King of the Road is a good song and fits in nicely with my folk/country/bluegrass playlist . DON"T MAKE FUN OF ME! Roger Miller was a genius! Trailers for sale or rent, rooms to let - fifty cents..... Or how about the classic , You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd? You've gotta admit ...

After a malasada for the road and lunch at the Kona Inn, Ron and I combed the aisles of Costco. That was our Sunday. It was a cash and carry day. Costco only takes American Express or cash. I guess they take debit cards too, but Homey (the Financial Planner) don't play dat. We used to have an American Express card. It was Ron's business card, although I was an authorized signer. He had the thing for 30 years and never missed a payment. I almost never use it, but have on several occasions over the years. Historically, we'd call Amex customer service to let them know that I would be using the card. We tried that again recently. I had planned to got to town and Ron thought he'd just give me the American Express card to stock up on some business supplies he needed. He called Amex and got an agent in India with a very heavy accent. The guy, who identified himself as Kevin or Steve or some other bogus Anglified name, told him that I could no longer use the card, despite the ...

The Volcano Farmers' Market has become, as they say here, "choke." That means it's really busy and packed with people. I think it would be safe to say that the little venue has been discovered. It's always been a hoppin' place, a great community gathering of locals and the occasional visitor on Sunday mornings. This past weekend, there wasn't a parking spot anywhere near the Cooper Center where the market is held. I had to park about 1/4 mile up the road. And that was at 7:30 a.m! There are more vendors now than ever. The Volcano Farmers' Market has become popular, I think, because word has spread that it's a really great place to buy some beautiful produce and delicious prepared foods. It's really different than the bigger markets. It's 100% local. Really local. It's not just stuff grown or made in Hawaii or even on the Big Island. Most of the goods sold there are made or grown either in Volcano or within a few miles of the village. I...

You see some interesting people at the Hilo Farmers' Market. This morning I spotted a flaming gay black man strolling toward me with an adorably cute and perfectly quaffed Jack Russell Terrier. How do I know he was gay? Well, I'm pretty sure the Jack Russell was straight. But the 30-something human was definitely light in the loafers. Not that there's anything wrong with that. He was wearing one of those wide necked, horizontally striped sailor's shirts, yellow and blue. His pants were white pedal pusher, tight at the knees. On his feet, canvas boat shoes with no socks. His outfit looked a little like the one Kirk Douglas wore is Disney's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Only instead of dancing with a seal, this guy was prancing with his dog. To top it off (the outfit, that is), the man wore a boat captain's cap, the kind that sits not quite flat on your head with a small brim. It was tilted just so. The flaming sailor tip-toe-trotted across the road, elbows in, ha...

It's still raining, but life is great, so onward we go to two thousand and eight! May two of my favorite quotes guide you through the new year. "Be the change you want to see in the world." Mahatma Ghandhi "Not all those who wander are lost." J.R.R. Tolkien

We've just enjoyed three days visiting with two of Ron's clients, Tom and Michelle. We hit it off famously and I think I'm safe in saying that they are now not just clients, but friends. They joined us for some barbie on the lanai Thursday night. Friday, we gobbled some great sushi and enjoyed more fun conversation. Today, we spent hours meandering our way around the island. They were great company and gave us a welcome respite from the incessant rain. At one stop along the highways and byways, we strolled the grounds of Pu'uhonua o Honaunau , a.k.a. Place of Refuge. The Hawaiian kingdom of old imposed strict laws on the people. If a person broke the law, the punishment was harsh. If you were observed standing in the shadow of the king, for instance, the penalty was death. If a soldier refused to fight his king's battles, his ass was grass. Unless, that is, he could get himself to the place of refuge before being apprehended and whacked. Run, swim, crawl...if he ma...

On Christmas eve, Ron and I took an afternoon trip up the Hamakua coast in search of some sun and lunch. We found neither. Traffic was pretty heavy through Hilo, where we stopped en-route at Hilo Hattie to buy me a new Christmas aloha shirt. Our quest for food had us headed to a little place in Laupahoehoe called The 50s Cafe. I had heard it was good, so we thought we'd give it a try. It took us a long time to get there, winding around the curves of the highway in the rain. We were both pretty hungry. Ron kept asking me, "How much further?" I'd say, "I think it's right up here." Then he'd say, "That's what you said last time I asked." Then I'd say, "I know, but I'm pretty sure it's right around the next curve." Then we would laugh. At one point, we made a detour along the Onomea Bay scenic drive, only to be turned around within just a few miles. We were stopped suddenly by a mudslide and several large, tall tre...

Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say, On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day, That's the island greeting that we send to you From the land where palm trees sway, Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright, The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night, Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way To say "Merry Christmas to you." Written by R. Alex Anderson, 1949 http://melekalikimaka.com/meleka.wav If you click on the link above, you can hear this classic, as sung by Bing Crosby. What better to put you in the holiday spirit! Ah, Christmas time. It must be the reason I got the bug to bake tonight. So after watching Shrek 3, I whipped up an apple spice cake. It's still cooling. It's late, so I won't know how it tastes until tomorrow morning. I think it will go nicely with my coffee. It definitely smells good. I was so exhausted after working four days in a row at the wine...

Who says you can't have a white Christmas in Hawaii! If you squint a little, you can see a thin strip of snow atop Mauna Loa . Early this morning, my poor co-worker encountered a horrible customer. It actually happened an hour and a half before we were scheduled to open. Teddy was there early, as he often is, when a car drove into the parking lot. It was about 8:30 a.m. The vehicle screeched to a halt, not in one of the designated parking spaces, but smack in the middle of the lot. A man got out, leaving his car door wide open. He walked into the tasting room. "I'd like to taste some of your wine." he said. The man had ignored the closed signs on our gate and at the front door. He was German and spoke perfect English, but with a distinct accent. Teddy told him we were not scheduled to open until 10:00, but agreed to allow the man to come in and taste anyway. He wanted to taste the red. The man told Teddy he had slept in his car last night. Why he said this was uncle...

I've always been kind of a practical person when it comes to interpreting fantastic stories and song lyrics. As a kid, I though Miss Muffet was a wimp. Scared by one little spider? She'd have really freaked if she'd been cleaning with me last weekend. And that old woman who lived in the shoe with all those children should simply move out to a bigger place. Maybe a boot would be better. Size 92. My mom was a big Kingston Trio fan. They had a song called, " MTA " which stands for Metro Transit Authority. It tells a humorous tale about a guy named Charlie who gets on a Boston subway train and, because he doesn't have enough change to pay the fare, he can't get off. The chorus goes like this: Well did he ever return, no he'll never return and his fate is still unlearned, He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston, he's the man who never returned.... At one point, the song describes the man's wife, who stands at the station every day at ...

Saturday started out as just another day to clean the house. Within a short time, however, I found myself on a mission; a mission of arachnid eradication. The spiders, for all their great bug-eating prowess, have a tendency to get a bit out of control in a place where there's no real winter. They're not only everywhere outside, but inside, too. I found webs with giant eight-leggers in corners, on the ceiling, hiding under window shades....everywhere! They were in places I vacuumed just two days before. Since the invasion of the beetles, the spiders have grown enormously fat and happy. So I sucked 'em all up. EEEEEEEEWWWWWW! I was none too keen on removing the vacuum bag. In addition to spider sucking, there was fun with fungi. What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom? Gee your a fun-gi! Unfortunately, the prevailing fungus amongus was not shitakes or portabellos, but mold and mildew. Again.... eeeeeeeeewwwwww! I cleaned the top of the fridge, which was home to a n...